Monday, November 30, 2009

Shut Up and Drive

To my fellow drivers,

I have a few comments that I think will go a long way to improving everyone's road experience:

1. If I can see the shadow of my car in front of me because of your headlights, you're either driving too close, or have your highbeams on. I'm not too happy with either of those, so BACK THE FUCK OFF.

2. If I drive slower because you're in a hurry and decide to crowd me, guess what, BACK THE FUCK OFF.

3. If I come to a stop and you have to slam on your brakes and angle your car as though you are going to go around me, you need to BACK THE FUCK OFF.

4. To anyone who drives an SUV, truck, minivan, van, or any other type of vehicle that is higher off the road than a sedan: if you're driving behind a sedan at night your lights are at their eye level. That means you're blinding the driver. Please BACK THE FUCK OFF.

5. If you're in such a hurry that you feel it necessary to pass another vehicle at night, in a non-passing zone, going up a hill on a blind need to slow down and BACK THE FUCK OFF.

So in conclusion, if everyone would just BACK THE FUCK OFF, the world would be a better place.

Thank you.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Green eggs and ham? No thanks

Dear Manufacturer,

I don't need artificial sweeteners in my products! I don't need them in my carb loaded bagels, or any other bread product. I don't need them in my gum or mints. I don't need them in my toothpaste, and I don't need them in my mouth wash. I don't need them in my chapstick or lipstick. I don't need them in my nail polish. Enough already!